There are nights that I get lots of sleep, then there are others that I get just enough to be able to function the next day. I may be somewhat unique, but I typically dream on a nightly basis. I don't remember half of the dreams that occur, but do remember that I did dream about some event. I have had dreams that have been in sequence, then I have had some that have been so off-the-wall that I begin to question what I ate before going to bed. I believe that there are meanings behind dreams, but as to what the meaning is can be somewhat unknown.
What has led me to discuss this topic is the video below. The song is called "Fireflies" by Owl City. The chorus of the song is really what has me thinking: "I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly; it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep; 'cause everything is never as it seems." I feel there is a lot of meaning behind this chorus. There are times where I wish time would slow down so that I can get more accomplished, or to be able to spend more time with everyone I consider family. However, there are moments when time is going so slow that I'd do anything to turn a dial to "warp speed" just to get past the occurrence at hand. Sometimes when dreaming, I wake up wishing that the dream was reality.
As I get ready for bed tonight, I wonder if if the "fireflies" will show up...until then, just be.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
No...I didn't fall of the face of the earth....
Okay....so I looked at the last time I blogged...June 22, 2009....over three months...guess that means that I need to share with everyone what's happened since my last blog. Now, before I post this blog, I have to preface that you may want to make sure you don't have much to do, as you will be reading a "novel" and may get lost in it. There's been so much occur...so I better start sharing, or you will lose interest.
June 22 was the day that I got my health kick back, and I am glad I did!! From June through September, I lost the 25 pounds I gain, along with losing about 15 more pounds. Now over the past 6 weeks, I have gained a little back, but I have a good reason for that and I will share that soon.
Vacation time was great this past summer. I took an extended weekend to Chicago at the beginning of August, and 2 weeks later, I went to St. Louis. I had a great time. The Chicago trip was one where I was glad to have great friends spending time together. I even took a risk with one of my fears...heights. I went on the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier...now, I did not look down and at one point, I thought they stopped us at the top of the ferris wheel, but it was just move very slow. However, I can now say that I rode the ferris wheel and can check that off of my list! The trip to St. Louis was very nice. Spent the weekend getting to know someone. We haven't talked much since. I am hoping it's because of our busy lives. I have tried calling, but only got voicemail.
So in my previous post, I mentioned how there were some other things that could be coming down the pipeline and would share when the time was right. Well, now is a better time than any. When I submitted my previous post, I had just mailed off application materials for a job in the St. Louis area. Late July, I received notification that I was selected for a phone interview. The phone interview must have went well because I was offered an on-campus interview. In early August, I drove to my alma mater, Southern Illinois University Edwardsville and interviewed for the Coordinator of Advising position for the College of Arts & Sciences. On August 24th, I received a phone call from the search chair. I was informed I had been selected by the search committee to become the Coordinator of Advising. I verbally accepted and within 24 hours, I had submitted my resignation letter to my supervisor at the University of Southern Indiana. My last month at USI went by very quickly and the next thing I knew, I was moving out of my apartment in Evansville and moving into my new apartment in Edwardsville. I've started the new job and am learning a lot. I also am taking time to reconnect with people on campus that knew me from my undergrad days. I also am reconnecting with friends in the area, but I miss all of my friends in Evansville and hope that they come visit soon...or I could go visit them (which I will be back in Evansville over Thanksgiving weekend).
I hope that I will be able to find time to blog more, but with it taking over 3 months to blog until now, it makes me realize that I need to just devote time to doing this. In case I don't blog for another month, some things coming up for me are spending time with family, taking a trip to Chicago for Halloween, and many social events around the St. Louis area.
New adventures are definitely here and the best way to approach them is to just be!!
June 22 was the day that I got my health kick back, and I am glad I did!! From June through September, I lost the 25 pounds I gain, along with losing about 15 more pounds. Now over the past 6 weeks, I have gained a little back, but I have a good reason for that and I will share that soon.
Vacation time was great this past summer. I took an extended weekend to Chicago at the beginning of August, and 2 weeks later, I went to St. Louis. I had a great time. The Chicago trip was one where I was glad to have great friends spending time together. I even took a risk with one of my fears...heights. I went on the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier...now, I did not look down and at one point, I thought they stopped us at the top of the ferris wheel, but it was just move very slow. However, I can now say that I rode the ferris wheel and can check that off of my list! The trip to St. Louis was very nice. Spent the weekend getting to know someone. We haven't talked much since. I am hoping it's because of our busy lives. I have tried calling, but only got voicemail.
So in my previous post, I mentioned how there were some other things that could be coming down the pipeline and would share when the time was right. Well, now is a better time than any. When I submitted my previous post, I had just mailed off application materials for a job in the St. Louis area. Late July, I received notification that I was selected for a phone interview. The phone interview must have went well because I was offered an on-campus interview. In early August, I drove to my alma mater, Southern Illinois University Edwardsville and interviewed for the Coordinator of Advising position for the College of Arts & Sciences. On August 24th, I received a phone call from the search chair. I was informed I had been selected by the search committee to become the Coordinator of Advising. I verbally accepted and within 24 hours, I had submitted my resignation letter to my supervisor at the University of Southern Indiana. My last month at USI went by very quickly and the next thing I knew, I was moving out of my apartment in Evansville and moving into my new apartment in Edwardsville. I've started the new job and am learning a lot. I also am taking time to reconnect with people on campus that knew me from my undergrad days. I also am reconnecting with friends in the area, but I miss all of my friends in Evansville and hope that they come visit soon...or I could go visit them (which I will be back in Evansville over Thanksgiving weekend).
I hope that I will be able to find time to blog more, but with it taking over 3 months to blog until now, it makes me realize that I need to just devote time to doing this. In case I don't blog for another month, some things coming up for me are spending time with family, taking a trip to Chicago for Halloween, and many social events around the St. Louis area.
New adventures are definitely here and the best way to approach them is to just be!!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Life in the current moment...
Okay...so it has been a while since I have blogged. I have let life get in the way of being able to collect my thoughts. I should take the advice that was given to me and just jot down my thoughts and schedule posts. But until then, let me update you on life...
I have been on a rollercoaster for the past few months...actually, since November. Healthwise, I have been slacking. I gained about 25 pounds between November and now. Instead of looking at it as a bad thing, I have to keep reminding myself, "Brian, you are 25 pounds less than you were a year ago." This is a huge accomplishment!! I went to the doctor on Friday and after discussing things, I am now on a prescription appetite suppressent. Today was my first dose and I am really feeling the side effects, but it is doing its job. Because I am on this, I figured it was time to get back into the workout routine. I will be going to the gym after work to begin the slim down again. I just hope that I don't lose the weight as fast as I did previously, because I don't want to gain it like I did during the winter. I will keep up with motivation techniques to keep me going.
I have enjoyed 2 weekend trips so far this summer. My first trip was to the Kansas City area in May to see my friend Steve. We had an amazing time going to a musical, having dinner at the Plaza, and experiencing a Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market. My second trip was just this past weekend the Louisville area to see my friend Audrey. She just bought a house (and it's mighty nice if I say so myself)! We went to a few garage sales looking for a bike, enjoyed some of Louisville's festivities, and saw Tiffany (the singer..."I Think We're Alone Now") in concert.
I have been talking to someone over the past couple months. We met through match.com. We have talked nearly every night since we exchanged e-mails and phone numbers. I haven't had this feeling of "romantic connection" for quite some time. If distance wasn't a factor, I think we'd see each other on a weekly basis, if not more. We will see each other sometime this summer.
There could be some other life changes coming up. However, I will disclose more information as time goes on.
So there is life in a nutshell for me...until I post again, remember to just be!
I have been on a rollercoaster for the past few months...actually, since November. Healthwise, I have been slacking. I gained about 25 pounds between November and now. Instead of looking at it as a bad thing, I have to keep reminding myself, "Brian, you are 25 pounds less than you were a year ago." This is a huge accomplishment!! I went to the doctor on Friday and after discussing things, I am now on a prescription appetite suppressent. Today was my first dose and I am really feeling the side effects, but it is doing its job. Because I am on this, I figured it was time to get back into the workout routine. I will be going to the gym after work to begin the slim down again. I just hope that I don't lose the weight as fast as I did previously, because I don't want to gain it like I did during the winter. I will keep up with motivation techniques to keep me going.
I have enjoyed 2 weekend trips so far this summer. My first trip was to the Kansas City area in May to see my friend Steve. We had an amazing time going to a musical, having dinner at the Plaza, and experiencing a Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market. My second trip was just this past weekend the Louisville area to see my friend Audrey. She just bought a house (and it's mighty nice if I say so myself)! We went to a few garage sales looking for a bike, enjoyed some of Louisville's festivities, and saw Tiffany (the singer..."I Think We're Alone Now") in concert.
I have been talking to someone over the past couple months. We met through match.com. We have talked nearly every night since we exchanged e-mails and phone numbers. I haven't had this feeling of "romantic connection" for quite some time. If distance wasn't a factor, I think we'd see each other on a weekly basis, if not more. We will see each other sometime this summer.
There could be some other life changes coming up. However, I will disclose more information as time goes on.
So there is life in a nutshell for me...until I post again, remember to just be!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friends...Chapter 3 - Steve
Friends provide lots of emotions...happiness, peace, tranquility, harmony, love....but they also can provide a sense of sadness, loneliness, and state of confusion. Before I explain this, let me tell you about my friend Steve.
Steve came into my life not even a year ago. I met him through my friend Eddie (See Chapter 2). It was July 2008 and we were at a "White Party." Something told me that I really needed to get to know him. Steve and I began to correspond over MySpace, and finally we were able to get together on Halloween night for dinner. We were talking and found out we had many commonalities. One of the strongest connections was that we both were avid Brothers & Sisters fans. He asked me about getting together on Sunday evenings so we could watch it and discuss what was going on.
Steve has helped me with my spiritual side over the past few months has well. He introduced me to Neale Donald Walsch and Eckhart Tolle. He has enlightened me in a new perspective of looking at events and things that go on in life. He also knew me like a book. He knew when I was not "myself" and could sense something wasn't right...and he was usually right about this.
I know there was a reason Steve was put into my life. For New Year's, Steve, Eddie and I went to Chicago. It was on this trip that I realized that I had a deep emotion for them. No....nothing romantic....unless you want to call it a Bromance. I truly believe that Steve was put into my life to be my "big brother." Now, I do have actual blood related older brothers, however, Steve has done more for me since I have met him than my biological brothers have combined over my lifetime. I am able to talk with Steve about anything....and yes, I mean ANYTHING. Just a couple weeks ago, we made a trip to Louisville to go to a club. I had never been, and he had only been once or twice. I am very glad we got to spend this bonding time together.
This leads me into what I was writing about at the beginning of this blog. I am full of mixed emotions right now. As I am typing this blog, Steve is having his things packed in his apartment and is moving away from Evansville. He is moving to take a job in Kansas City. The sense of sadness and loneliness is there because I know I won't be able to jump in my car and drive over to his place on Sunday nights for Brothers & Sisters and enjoy Marble Slab....uh, I mean Coldstone Creamery. We won't be able to get together for dinner at Rafferty's (one of his favorite places) for a Backyard BBQ Burger. If I forget to DVR American Idol, I won't be able to catch up on it by seeing it on his DVR the weekend.
However I do have a strong sense of happiness at the same time. He is off to do much better things in his job. We still have Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, texting, and phone calls to keep us connected. When either I go to visit, or he comes back to visit, it will be even more special to spend time with my big brother.
I truly value the friendship I have with Steve.
It does pull at the heart strings when you can't see your friends, but they are still there with you no matter the distance. Until my next blog, continue to just be!
Steve came into my life not even a year ago. I met him through my friend Eddie (See Chapter 2). It was July 2008 and we were at a "White Party." Something told me that I really needed to get to know him. Steve and I began to correspond over MySpace, and finally we were able to get together on Halloween night for dinner. We were talking and found out we had many commonalities. One of the strongest connections was that we both were avid Brothers & Sisters fans. He asked me about getting together on Sunday evenings so we could watch it and discuss what was going on.
Steve has helped me with my spiritual side over the past few months has well. He introduced me to Neale Donald Walsch and Eckhart Tolle. He has enlightened me in a new perspective of looking at events and things that go on in life. He also knew me like a book. He knew when I was not "myself" and could sense something wasn't right...and he was usually right about this.
I know there was a reason Steve was put into my life. For New Year's, Steve, Eddie and I went to Chicago. It was on this trip that I realized that I had a deep emotion for them. No....nothing romantic....unless you want to call it a Bromance. I truly believe that Steve was put into my life to be my "big brother." Now, I do have actual blood related older brothers, however, Steve has done more for me since I have met him than my biological brothers have combined over my lifetime. I am able to talk with Steve about anything....and yes, I mean ANYTHING. Just a couple weeks ago, we made a trip to Louisville to go to a club. I had never been, and he had only been once or twice. I am very glad we got to spend this bonding time together.
This leads me into what I was writing about at the beginning of this blog. I am full of mixed emotions right now. As I am typing this blog, Steve is having his things packed in his apartment and is moving away from Evansville. He is moving to take a job in Kansas City. The sense of sadness and loneliness is there because I know I won't be able to jump in my car and drive over to his place on Sunday nights for Brothers & Sisters and enjoy Marble Slab....uh, I mean Coldstone Creamery. We won't be able to get together for dinner at Rafferty's (one of his favorite places) for a Backyard BBQ Burger. If I forget to DVR American Idol, I won't be able to catch up on it by seeing it on his DVR the weekend.
However I do have a strong sense of happiness at the same time. He is off to do much better things in his job. We still have Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, texting, and phone calls to keep us connected. When either I go to visit, or he comes back to visit, it will be even more special to spend time with my big brother.
I truly value the friendship I have with Steve.
It does pull at the heart strings when you can't see your friends, but they are still there with you no matter the distance. Until my next blog, continue to just be!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friends...Chapter 2 - Eddie
Friends can be such a gift, therefore I would like to express how much my friend Eddie means to me. I met Eddie in February 2008 at a Tri-State Alliance newsletter folding. Eddie appears to be a somewhat quiet and reserved person at first. However, once you get to know him, you learn about his alterego, Miss Edna, that just radiates through! LOL
Eddie has a humor about him like none other. He says the most random things that get you to laugh. We have only been on one major "roadtrip" together...that was to Chicago with our friend Steve (who I will highlight in a future chapter). Eddie was like a kid in a candystore when we were in Chicago...he was just eating it up...the city life, that is. I consider Eddie a big brother, or as he puts it, big sister...LOL!
Eddie has one of the biggest, caring hearts I know. He would do anything for a friend...well, not ANYTHING, but anything...if that makes sense to ya. I value Eddie's friendship and look forward to future roadtrips and mischievious fun that we will encounter!
Until my next post, continue to enjoy the time with your friends....and just be!
Eddie has a humor about him like none other. He says the most random things that get you to laugh. We have only been on one major "roadtrip" together...that was to Chicago with our friend Steve (who I will highlight in a future chapter). Eddie was like a kid in a candystore when we were in Chicago...he was just eating it up...the city life, that is. I consider Eddie a big brother, or as he puts it, big sister...LOL!
Eddie has one of the biggest, caring hearts I know. He would do anything for a friend...well, not ANYTHING, but anything...if that makes sense to ya. I value Eddie's friendship and look forward to future roadtrips and mischievious fun that we will encounter!
Until my next post, continue to enjoy the time with your friends....and just be!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friends...Chapter 1 - Audrey
As I mentioned in my previous blog, I said that I wanted to focus on something that means a lot to me. Many times, we all take our friends for granted. We are truly glad they happen to be a part of our lives, but how often do we really tribute our friends. Over the next couple week I plan on telling you about my friends that mean the world to me.
For this first blog about my friends, I want to tell you about my friend Audrey. Audrey and I met in September 1999 at a student organization meeting at SIU Edwardsville. Audrey was in her first year of pursuing her Masters of Speech Communication degree and I had just transferred to SIUE after getting my Associate degree. About a week after the student organization meeting, I ran into her at St. Clair Square mall in Fairview Heights, IL. I asked her if she remembered me without telling her my name. She told me later that I freaked her out when I did this.
Audrey and I had some good times while at SIUE. If memory serves me right, we had went to Audrey's parents' house on a Friday evening so we could go to the town-wide garage sale on Saturday morning. We spent all morning together and got back to SIUE around 4:00 PM. She dropped me off at my dorm and then went to her place. By 4:30 PM, we both decided we didn't want to stay where we were, so we decided to make a spontaneous roadtrip to go visit her sister in Decatur, IL.
After graduating SIUE, I had gotten accepted to go to grad school at Grand Valley State in Michigan. Audrey and I decided to make a trip up in May 2002 so we could explore the campus more. The roadtrip to Michigan was so fun...including the random stop at the outlet mall in Holland, and to go see Lake Michigan.
While I was in Michigan, Audrey had an adventure of her own, as she moved to Pennsylvania to attend Penn State for her doctorate. I had the chance to visit her 3 times while she was at Penn State. She introduced me to the Penn State Creamery (fantastic!!), and to Meyer's Dairy. The "Dairy" actually had milk in glass bottles, which I had not seen ever.
Audrey and I now live in the same state. We both work for universities, but have not seen each other much over the past 2 years because of our schedules. However, we talk at least 2-3 times a week, or more. There are nights where we talk for so long that one of us ends up falling asleep while talking on the phone (This is typically me). Last night, she called me with some great news. Yesterday afternoon, she became a homeowner. It will be great to go visit her in her new digs, even though she has only visited me once and I have been to her place at least 3 times. :-) I actually prefer to drive over to see her because there's more to do than there is here in Evansville.
If you read this Audrey, I want to let you know that I value the advice you give me about financial stability, even though I haven't used all of your advice. You still keep me in check with reality and I truly am glad that you are someone I call a friend. I look forward to the many years of friendship we have ahead and the great times to come (which may include diet coke and vanilla rum)!!
Until I post Chapter 2, value the friendships you have and just be...
For this first blog about my friends, I want to tell you about my friend Audrey. Audrey and I met in September 1999 at a student organization meeting at SIU Edwardsville. Audrey was in her first year of pursuing her Masters of Speech Communication degree and I had just transferred to SIUE after getting my Associate degree. About a week after the student organization meeting, I ran into her at St. Clair Square mall in Fairview Heights, IL. I asked her if she remembered me without telling her my name. She told me later that I freaked her out when I did this.
Audrey and I had some good times while at SIUE. If memory serves me right, we had went to Audrey's parents' house on a Friday evening so we could go to the town-wide garage sale on Saturday morning. We spent all morning together and got back to SIUE around 4:00 PM. She dropped me off at my dorm and then went to her place. By 4:30 PM, we both decided we didn't want to stay where we were, so we decided to make a spontaneous roadtrip to go visit her sister in Decatur, IL.
After graduating SIUE, I had gotten accepted to go to grad school at Grand Valley State in Michigan. Audrey and I decided to make a trip up in May 2002 so we could explore the campus more. The roadtrip to Michigan was so fun...including the random stop at the outlet mall in Holland, and to go see Lake Michigan.
While I was in Michigan, Audrey had an adventure of her own, as she moved to Pennsylvania to attend Penn State for her doctorate. I had the chance to visit her 3 times while she was at Penn State. She introduced me to the Penn State Creamery (fantastic!!), and to Meyer's Dairy. The "Dairy" actually had milk in glass bottles, which I had not seen ever.
Audrey and I now live in the same state. We both work for universities, but have not seen each other much over the past 2 years because of our schedules. However, we talk at least 2-3 times a week, or more. There are nights where we talk for so long that one of us ends up falling asleep while talking on the phone (This is typically me). Last night, she called me with some great news. Yesterday afternoon, she became a homeowner. It will be great to go visit her in her new digs, even though she has only visited me once and I have been to her place at least 3 times. :-) I actually prefer to drive over to see her because there's more to do than there is here in Evansville.
If you read this Audrey, I want to let you know that I value the advice you give me about financial stability, even though I haven't used all of your advice. You still keep me in check with reality and I truly am glad that you are someone I call a friend. I look forward to the many years of friendship we have ahead and the great times to come (which may include diet coke and vanilla rum)!!
Until I post Chapter 2, value the friendships you have and just be...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Quick note...
Wow...time really does fly by. I can not believe that it is now April. This month has not been a great start for me healthwise. I don't think I have been this sick in quite some time. This cold really has knocked my equilibrium out of sync. Over the next week, I am hoping that I can find the strength to overcome this nuisance and dismiss it once and for all. I really need to if I plan on going out of town this upcoming weekend.
Over the next month (or maybe longer), I am going to be putting forth a theme to my blog. I don't want to go into much detail right now, but I will be posting the first blog toward this new theme over the next few days. Until then, just be....
Over the next month (or maybe longer), I am going to be putting forth a theme to my blog. I don't want to go into much detail right now, but I will be posting the first blog toward this new theme over the next few days. Until then, just be....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Scatter Psyche needs to regroup!
I will admit...a lot has been going on lately. Because of things happening, my psyche has been somewhat out of whack. I don't want to go into much detail right now, but I do hope that I am able to get back on track soon.
It's odd that one can pick up on when you are not your usual self. Case in point...a friend of mine called me Thursday...I didn't answer his call. I did send him a text later. He then calls me on Friday saying, "I am worried about you, Brian. Why am I worried about you?" I was not able to talk to him, but sent him a text again. Saturday morning, we finally talked. I explained myself as much as I could at the moment, but told him I want to talk with him more in depth face-to-face. We will see where my psyche goes after Sunday.
Tonight (Saturday), I went and saw the movie "Knowing" with my friend Steve. This movie looked good from the trailer and previews. After now seeing this movie, I have 3 words for you all if you are planning to see this movie....SAVE YOUR MONEY!!! If you are into sci-fi, you might enjoy it. In fact, I was enjoying the first half of the movie, but the last half hour of the movie disturbed me quite a bit. I will not say why, so that I don't ruin the ending of the movie for anyone that may want to see it. I know that the ending was nothing like I had expected.
This brings me to a question for pondering: What disturbs you? And no, I don't mean the housekeeping crew coming to your hotel room. What do you find to be disturbing in your life? One thing for me that comes to mind is the issues I have with food. I have noticed that over the past few months, I have really been bad with my choices. In fact, the past week has been one of the worst. I know that I need to go back into the mode I was in 6 months ago. I am hoping that after this week, I can get back into the zone and become more focused.
Exploration for this week: How to live life contemplatively. I will post late in the week my findings and thoughts. Until then, just be!
It's odd that one can pick up on when you are not your usual self. Case in point...a friend of mine called me Thursday...I didn't answer his call. I did send him a text later. He then calls me on Friday saying, "I am worried about you, Brian. Why am I worried about you?" I was not able to talk to him, but sent him a text again. Saturday morning, we finally talked. I explained myself as much as I could at the moment, but told him I want to talk with him more in depth face-to-face. We will see where my psyche goes after Sunday.
Tonight (Saturday), I went and saw the movie "Knowing" with my friend Steve. This movie looked good from the trailer and previews. After now seeing this movie, I have 3 words for you all if you are planning to see this movie....SAVE YOUR MONEY!!! If you are into sci-fi, you might enjoy it. In fact, I was enjoying the first half of the movie, but the last half hour of the movie disturbed me quite a bit. I will not say why, so that I don't ruin the ending of the movie for anyone that may want to see it. I know that the ending was nothing like I had expected.
This brings me to a question for pondering: What disturbs you? And no, I don't mean the housekeeping crew coming to your hotel room. What do you find to be disturbing in your life? One thing for me that comes to mind is the issues I have with food. I have noticed that over the past few months, I have really been bad with my choices. In fact, the past week has been one of the worst. I know that I need to go back into the mode I was in 6 months ago. I am hoping that after this week, I can get back into the zone and become more focused.
Exploration for this week: How to live life contemplatively. I will post late in the week my findings and thoughts. Until then, just be!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Tribute to my grandmother...
It is amazing how a year goes by. One year ago today at 5:00 AM, I received a phone call from my mother that I knew had been coming. She had called to tell me that my grandmother had passed away. In the days leading up to this occurring (and it literally was days...3 days), I had thought I was prepared to handle her death. I was there with the family on the night she was rushed to the hospital; I spent quite a bit of time at the hospital over the next couple days; I had intentions of staying the night, but with so many family members there, I elected to go back to my apartment; I had hoped I would be able to be there with the family for the final moments.
My grandmother was an amazing woman. She was small in stature, but very mighty and powerful. She lived to be 90 years old. She was the mother to 8 children (6 sons, 2 daughters), and had 25 grandchildren. She was married to my grandfather for 70 years and 6 months, an amazing feat in itself.
I remember a lot about my grandmother. When I was younger, I would stay a week during the summer with my grandparents. One food I remember always having while there were bread tomatoes. Now these were not breaded tomatoes, but chopped tomatoes and white bread cooked together. Another that she made was potato soup, which I have never had one as good. I also remember when she came to stay for a week when my mother was in the hospital. I remember her telling me about the trips she and my grandfather took over to Italy and Germany. I remember how my grandmother and I would rile each other up because she liked the Chicago Cubs and I liked the St. Louis Cardinals. She got me into twiddling my thumbs when I was younger. Her hands were always cold, and I remember how I would put my hands around hers to warm them up.
My grandmother never had a couch or sofa in the house. She had things that would appear to be this, but she had another name for it. She called it a devonent. She and my grandfather had their own devonent, so they could take afternoon naps while watching TV.I have asked many friends if they or their parents/grandparents/other family members have devonents. They replied with a "WTF are you talking about?" look on their face. I have had some friends ask me if I meant a Davenport. I then turned and gave them the same "WTF" look and said no, because I knew what I was talking about.
Over the past year, my mother moved in with my grandfather so they could take care of each other. Every time I go up there, I see the "porch house" my grandfather made for my grandmother so she could sit in her swing year-round; I feel my grandmother's presence in the house even though she is not physically there; and I sit on the devonent. I will always cherish the time I spent with her...and now, her memories as well.
My grandmother was an amazing woman. She was small in stature, but very mighty and powerful. She lived to be 90 years old. She was the mother to 8 children (6 sons, 2 daughters), and had 25 grandchildren. She was married to my grandfather for 70 years and 6 months, an amazing feat in itself.
I remember a lot about my grandmother. When I was younger, I would stay a week during the summer with my grandparents. One food I remember always having while there were bread tomatoes. Now these were not breaded tomatoes, but chopped tomatoes and white bread cooked together. Another that she made was potato soup, which I have never had one as good. I also remember when she came to stay for a week when my mother was in the hospital. I remember her telling me about the trips she and my grandfather took over to Italy and Germany. I remember how my grandmother and I would rile each other up because she liked the Chicago Cubs and I liked the St. Louis Cardinals. She got me into twiddling my thumbs when I was younger. Her hands were always cold, and I remember how I would put my hands around hers to warm them up.
My grandmother never had a couch or sofa in the house. She had things that would appear to be this, but she had another name for it. She called it a devonent. She and my grandfather had their own devonent, so they could take afternoon naps while watching TV.I have asked many friends if they or their parents/grandparents/other family members have devonents. They replied with a "WTF are you talking about?" look on their face. I have had some friends ask me if I meant a Davenport. I then turned and gave them the same "WTF" look and said no, because I knew what I was talking about.
Over the past year, my mother moved in with my grandfather so they could take care of each other. Every time I go up there, I see the "porch house" my grandfather made for my grandmother so she could sit in her swing year-round; I feel my grandmother's presence in the house even though she is not physically there; and I sit on the devonent. I will always cherish the time I spent with her...and now, her memories as well.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dental Day
I woke up this morning, just as I do every other morning, and went through my normal routine. I got into my car and headed out of the apartment complex. However, instead of making my way to work, I turned and went the opposite direction. I drove the "backroads" of Evansville to my destination...the dentist office. Most people cringe when they have to go to the dentist. However, I believe that this is caused because of what they have heard people went through, or they have images from media as to the bad wrap dentists receive. I have to say that my dentist is probably one of the best. He was upfront with me with all of the procedures before he did anything, and kept me updated as the procedure was being performed. Kudos to you, Dr. Pitt!!
After getting finished at the dentist, I made my way to have breakfast before I went to another appointment I had. As I waited on my breakfast, I sent a text to a friend informing her that this was my "last meal." I stated this because I knew that this would be the only meal that I would have today as the appointment I had later in the morning was to the oral surgeon.
I was pretty impressed with the oral surgeon's office. It was interesting to know that they give their patients an I-Pod Shuffle with different types of music to listen to while they are in the "operating" room. Guess this is happens in order to take your mind off of why you really are there. I went into the room about 11:30 AM and within 15 minutes, I was done and headed out the door. This was much quicker than I had anticipated. After having my wisdom teeth removed 5 years ago, I had prepped to not be done until about 12:30 PM.
Now the procedure may have gone quick, but the healing will take a little longer. I have pain meds to take in case it kicks in. I am on a soft food diet...and the foods have to be at room temperature or a little cooler. This does limit what I can have, but I am not planning on having anything tonight.
My plan for tonight is to get a few things done around the apartment, take it easy, read a book....and just be.
After getting finished at the dentist, I made my way to have breakfast before I went to another appointment I had. As I waited on my breakfast, I sent a text to a friend informing her that this was my "last meal." I stated this because I knew that this would be the only meal that I would have today as the appointment I had later in the morning was to the oral surgeon.
I was pretty impressed with the oral surgeon's office. It was interesting to know that they give their patients an I-Pod Shuffle with different types of music to listen to while they are in the "operating" room. Guess this is happens in order to take your mind off of why you really are there. I went into the room about 11:30 AM and within 15 minutes, I was done and headed out the door. This was much quicker than I had anticipated. After having my wisdom teeth removed 5 years ago, I had prepped to not be done until about 12:30 PM.
Now the procedure may have gone quick, but the healing will take a little longer. I have pain meds to take in case it kicks in. I am on a soft food diet...and the foods have to be at room temperature or a little cooler. This does limit what I can have, but I am not planning on having anything tonight.
My plan for tonight is to get a few things done around the apartment, take it easy, read a book....and just be.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
What Does My Birthday Mean??
So I was surfing around Facebook tonight and had someone send me a link to learn what my Birthday means....here is what it said....
You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what they think. This is why people misunderstand you until they really get a chance to learn about your pleasant personality. Opposite sex find you mysterious and worth searching. Your wit is remarkable but sometimes you are too fast to follow. Your Love, You won't reveal your feeling even after dreaming about the same guy over and over. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with children.
So, ironically, I feel this fits me perfectly. I have been told by my closest friends that I am "hard to read." For those of you who know me, please comment on this and give me your honest opinion!!
You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what they think. This is why people misunderstand you until they really get a chance to learn about your pleasant personality. Opposite sex find you mysterious and worth searching. Your wit is remarkable but sometimes you are too fast to follow. Your Love, You won't reveal your feeling even after dreaming about the same guy over and over. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with children.
So, ironically, I feel this fits me perfectly. I have been told by my closest friends that I am "hard to read." For those of you who know me, please comment on this and give me your honest opinion!!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Finally...an update...
Okay...so it's been about a month since I have blogged. Thought I would give you an update and my thoughts/perspective on a few things.
So, I watched American Idol tonight. It was interesting to watch the "wild cards." I was very happy with the judges making the decision to make this season a top 13 instead of a top 12. Matt, Jasmine, Megan and Anoop all deserve this chance. The best move that the judges made tonight was that they finally said goodbye for good to Tatiyana. All she supplied was drama and she really should have not been brought back. I was a bit disappointed with Von's performance as well. I know he can do much better, but he just didn't bring it with him tonight.
I do have to say I was thankful to have woke up just in time tonight to see AI. I have been battling a cold the past few days and left work at noon today so I could attempt to recover. I can tell that taking a 6 hours nap this afternoon/evening did help, and with a little more of my own TLC, I will be better before I know it.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I would explain why I posted the video clip. Over the past month, I watched both "Prayers for Bobby" and "Milk." I don't think I have ever had so many emotions running through me after watching both of these. I posted the Prayers for Bobby clip because I felt that the message was powerful. You never know who will be listening, and it truly can make an impact if you are able to help LGBT youth from the struggles they encounter. I related to Bobby a lot as I have struggled with my faith because of what I was taught about sexuality. I have learned that you have to be yourself, no matter what your faith may tell you. With Milk, it reinforced that you have to have hope to be able to overcome. Sean Penn did a phenomenal job in the role of Harvey Milk and I was very glad he won an Oscar for this role.
My goal for March is to post more and to keep you up to date on where my Psyche is. Until then...just be.
So, I watched American Idol tonight. It was interesting to watch the "wild cards." I was very happy with the judges making the decision to make this season a top 13 instead of a top 12. Matt, Jasmine, Megan and Anoop all deserve this chance. The best move that the judges made tonight was that they finally said goodbye for good to Tatiyana. All she supplied was drama and she really should have not been brought back. I was a bit disappointed with Von's performance as well. I know he can do much better, but he just didn't bring it with him tonight.
I do have to say I was thankful to have woke up just in time tonight to see AI. I have been battling a cold the past few days and left work at noon today so I could attempt to recover. I can tell that taking a 6 hours nap this afternoon/evening did help, and with a little more of my own TLC, I will be better before I know it.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I would explain why I posted the video clip. Over the past month, I watched both "Prayers for Bobby" and "Milk." I don't think I have ever had so many emotions running through me after watching both of these. I posted the Prayers for Bobby clip because I felt that the message was powerful. You never know who will be listening, and it truly can make an impact if you are able to help LGBT youth from the struggles they encounter. I related to Bobby a lot as I have struggled with my faith because of what I was taught about sexuality. I have learned that you have to be yourself, no matter what your faith may tell you. With Milk, it reinforced that you have to have hope to be able to overcome. Sean Penn did a phenomenal job in the role of Harvey Milk and I was very glad he won an Oscar for this role.
My goal for March is to post more and to keep you up to date on where my Psyche is. Until then...just be.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A child is listening...
I have been wanting to put something about a movie that I saw recently online, however I wasn't sure when the right time would be. Tonight, I felt compelled to post about it today. The movie is "Prayers for Bobby." It is based off of the book about Bobby Griffith, who committed suicide because of his struggle with his sexuality. I have place the link to the YouTube clip of it below. PLEASE WATCH IT!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHV9h7Lgvn8
I will explain more later as to the reason for this post, but until then....just be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHV9h7Lgvn8
I will explain more later as to the reason for this post, but until then....just be.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Psyche of this Blackbird...
This week has been an interesting one. As you read from my previous post, I felt like I wanted to seclude myself from the world and was enjoying the peacefulness. I will admit, I still like the tranquil environment, however I also had an improved outlook as the week went on. The week has been fairly well for me overall. I've been pretty content with my weight loss, as I have am only a few pounds away from where I was back in October 2008. I do expect to have gained a little weight when I weigh in tomorrow morning, as I got "carb happy" for dessert tonight. If I don't gain any, I will be surprised.
I had a friend contact me and tell me he was very proud that I have been continuing with my weight loss. He said that my name came to mind when he heard the song Blackbird. It was performed by the Beatles, however I prefer the remake by Sarah McLachalan. Below are the lyrics:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I have been reflecting over these lyrics the past day and feel that they do fit with where I am at right now, not only with my weight loss, but with life in general. I always put others first and have the patience of Jobe, however I realize that I need to start doing more for myself, in order for me to take myself to the next level. By getting to the next level, I mean within the physical, social, spiritual, financial, and educational/career aspects.
1. Physical - My weight has held me back. Since I have lost 45 pounds to date, I have realized that this in itself has been an amazing feat. If I was able to accomplish this much, I surely can continue on to lose more and be where I feel I should be. I know that this cannot happen overnight, in a day, week, or even month. It will take focus, perserverence, determination and support to get me there and it will take a number of months, or even a couple years to get to where I feel I will be at a healthy weight.
2. Social - Throughout my twenties, I rarely focused on my social networking. I know I have friends out there, but many times, it seems to be more acquaintances. I am the type of person that likes to have a lot of friends. When I am with my friends however, I prefer to be in smaller groups with them so I can be able to really focus and connect with them. If I have a lot of friends in the same room, I end up bouncing from one set, to another, to another. I feel that I am not being a good friend when this happens because I like to give all my friends the amount of attention that I would expect to receive from them when in their presence. I also have missed out on some great friendships because I did not make the effort for the friendship to work. To the people that I regret not keeping in contact with, I hope that I can be forgiven. I want to rekindle the friendship that we once had.
3. Spiritual - I have struggled with religion over the past year. I still have my faith, still believe that there is a "higher power" and still am spiritual. The roots of my spirituality are based from the catholic faith. Growing up in the Roman Catholic church was what was meant for me in the past. However, I have moments of disillusion and disbelief in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic church. Therefore, this transition from Catholic to catholic has been an experience. Now, for some, you are probably asking what the difference is between the two. Catholic (with the capital C) means the Roman Catholic church, whereas catholic (the lowercase C) focuses on being more ecumenical in my beliefs. I believe that ALL people are welcomed by the "higher power." For some, they believe this "higher power" is called God; for some, Allah. For me, my "higher power" is just that, a "higher power." My "higher power" loves ALL people unconditionally. I believe that everyone is made in the image of the "higher power," and what one may call a flaw in a person is actually a gift the "higher power" has given to that person. I believe this because if the "higher power" made everyone exactly identical, how could we learn from each other and educate ourselves about our differences from the "cookie cutter" mold? I feel that the "higher power" created the first person from the "cookie cutter", however broke the mold before the next person was created. Therefore, we all became individual and unique in our own way for a reason.
4. Financial - I will admit that I am not the best when it comes to money management. However, 2009 is my time to "spread my broken wings" by knocking out some of my debt with my income tax refund. Then, I will focus on dwindling down the remaining debt until I am debt-free with credit cards. While doing this, I will start to re-establish my savings. I may not be able to put as much into savings as I want at first, but it will build over time. With the guidance of a couple friends, I know this can become a reality!!
5. Educational/Career - Things are going great in this area, so far. I have pondered going on for a doctorate, however I have not made the full decision. I know that I need to broaden my thought process about completing some form of terminal degree; my current thought is to pursue an Ed.D in Educational Leadership. I have been told by someone I admire in the field of Academic Advising that I should not limit myself and to keep open to the Ph.D possibility. One thing I do know is that when it is time for me to pursue the next degree, I would prefer not to take out more student loans. My ideal situation would be to work at an institution of higher education where I could take classes toward my next degree for a discounted rate, or even better, for free. This would mean for me to transition out of my current position and into the next level, should it be an Advising Coordinator or Assistant Director of Advising position. This will take a few years, as I need to develop my skills to be prepared to take on such a position, as well as continue to enhance my strengths. Overall, I know that I must become grounded on the four aspects above before I think about this aspect. I also know that I will not let things stop me from achieving my way to complete this aspect either.
Now that I have elaborated on my aspects, think about your own goals. Have you been able to achieve them? If so, what provided you the inspiration to attain these goals? What barriers tried to hinder your ability to go the distance?
Continue to live life to its fullest; dream the impossible dream; challenge yourself to assess your own psyche...and as you do all of this, remember to bask in this moment and just be!
I had a friend contact me and tell me he was very proud that I have been continuing with my weight loss. He said that my name came to mind when he heard the song Blackbird. It was performed by the Beatles, however I prefer the remake by Sarah McLachalan. Below are the lyrics:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I have been reflecting over these lyrics the past day and feel that they do fit with where I am at right now, not only with my weight loss, but with life in general. I always put others first and have the patience of Jobe, however I realize that I need to start doing more for myself, in order for me to take myself to the next level. By getting to the next level, I mean within the physical, social, spiritual, financial, and educational/career aspects.
1. Physical - My weight has held me back. Since I have lost 45 pounds to date, I have realized that this in itself has been an amazing feat. If I was able to accomplish this much, I surely can continue on to lose more and be where I feel I should be. I know that this cannot happen overnight, in a day, week, or even month. It will take focus, perserverence, determination and support to get me there and it will take a number of months, or even a couple years to get to where I feel I will be at a healthy weight.
2. Social - Throughout my twenties, I rarely focused on my social networking. I know I have friends out there, but many times, it seems to be more acquaintances. I am the type of person that likes to have a lot of friends. When I am with my friends however, I prefer to be in smaller groups with them so I can be able to really focus and connect with them. If I have a lot of friends in the same room, I end up bouncing from one set, to another, to another. I feel that I am not being a good friend when this happens because I like to give all my friends the amount of attention that I would expect to receive from them when in their presence. I also have missed out on some great friendships because I did not make the effort for the friendship to work. To the people that I regret not keeping in contact with, I hope that I can be forgiven. I want to rekindle the friendship that we once had.
3. Spiritual - I have struggled with religion over the past year. I still have my faith, still believe that there is a "higher power" and still am spiritual. The roots of my spirituality are based from the catholic faith. Growing up in the Roman Catholic church was what was meant for me in the past. However, I have moments of disillusion and disbelief in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic church. Therefore, this transition from Catholic to catholic has been an experience. Now, for some, you are probably asking what the difference is between the two. Catholic (with the capital C) means the Roman Catholic church, whereas catholic (the lowercase C) focuses on being more ecumenical in my beliefs. I believe that ALL people are welcomed by the "higher power." For some, they believe this "higher power" is called God; for some, Allah. For me, my "higher power" is just that, a "higher power." My "higher power" loves ALL people unconditionally. I believe that everyone is made in the image of the "higher power," and what one may call a flaw in a person is actually a gift the "higher power" has given to that person. I believe this because if the "higher power" made everyone exactly identical, how could we learn from each other and educate ourselves about our differences from the "cookie cutter" mold? I feel that the "higher power" created the first person from the "cookie cutter", however broke the mold before the next person was created. Therefore, we all became individual and unique in our own way for a reason.
4. Financial - I will admit that I am not the best when it comes to money management. However, 2009 is my time to "spread my broken wings" by knocking out some of my debt with my income tax refund. Then, I will focus on dwindling down the remaining debt until I am debt-free with credit cards. While doing this, I will start to re-establish my savings. I may not be able to put as much into savings as I want at first, but it will build over time. With the guidance of a couple friends, I know this can become a reality!!
5. Educational/Career - Things are going great in this area, so far. I have pondered going on for a doctorate, however I have not made the full decision. I know that I need to broaden my thought process about completing some form of terminal degree; my current thought is to pursue an Ed.D in Educational Leadership. I have been told by someone I admire in the field of Academic Advising that I should not limit myself and to keep open to the Ph.D possibility. One thing I do know is that when it is time for me to pursue the next degree, I would prefer not to take out more student loans. My ideal situation would be to work at an institution of higher education where I could take classes toward my next degree for a discounted rate, or even better, for free. This would mean for me to transition out of my current position and into the next level, should it be an Advising Coordinator or Assistant Director of Advising position. This will take a few years, as I need to develop my skills to be prepared to take on such a position, as well as continue to enhance my strengths. Overall, I know that I must become grounded on the four aspects above before I think about this aspect. I also know that I will not let things stop me from achieving my way to complete this aspect either.
Now that I have elaborated on my aspects, think about your own goals. Have you been able to achieve them? If so, what provided you the inspiration to attain these goals? What barriers tried to hinder your ability to go the distance?
Continue to live life to its fullest; dream the impossible dream; challenge yourself to assess your own psyche...and as you do all of this, remember to bask in this moment and just be!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Good Grief...or is it?
Saying that I was content today would be stretching it. When I saw the sun come out after it being gloomy for the biggest part of the week, I shut the blinds. I enjoyed the quietness and ability to focus on my inner being. I enjoyed not being disturbed today. It gave me time to focus on the past week, and reflect on the upcoming moments ahead.
I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.
Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.
Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.
My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.
Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?
I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!
I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.
Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.
Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.
My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.
Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?
I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Day One is happening again!
I really want to thank those who posted to my note on Facebook. It baffles me how people will comment on Facebook, however I have not had a single person comment to me on MySpace. Just an interesting observation I had.
Well, today was day one of getting back on track with my weight loss. I did not get to the point of exercising today, however I did accomplish 2 things: I logged all of the food I ate today into SparkPeople, and I also modified a weight/fitness plan that my brother Steve sent me. I felt there were parts that he used that would be beneficial for me to track, however I also felt I needed to make it my own. When I logged into SparkPeople, I realized that the last time I tracked my weight was 10/15/08. Since that date, I have gained 15 pounds. I was so close to meeting my second goal at that time, which was losing a second 10% of my body weight. I know that I can do it, but I just have to eat in moderation and force myself to exercise.
Emotions I had today: As I stated in my preface post, I am going to keep track of my emotions from the day to see what patterns I have. I would rank today at a 7 on a 10 point scale. I was pretty productive today at work. However, I was somewhat tired all day long. I want to blame this on the weather, but I also have to blame myself for not getting the rest I need. I need to take more ownership into why I feel the way I do. I also felt proud of what I accomplished today with tracking my food and working on my weight/fitness plan. I am adding a component of a meal plan to it, which hopefully will help with portions and healthier eating.
Goals for 01/27/09: I will exercise for at least a half hour; I will complete the 7-day meal plan; I will read the rest of Chapter 1 of Psycho-Cybernetics.
Well, today was day one of getting back on track with my weight loss. I did not get to the point of exercising today, however I did accomplish 2 things: I logged all of the food I ate today into SparkPeople, and I also modified a weight/fitness plan that my brother Steve sent me. I felt there were parts that he used that would be beneficial for me to track, however I also felt I needed to make it my own. When I logged into SparkPeople, I realized that the last time I tracked my weight was 10/15/08. Since that date, I have gained 15 pounds. I was so close to meeting my second goal at that time, which was losing a second 10% of my body weight. I know that I can do it, but I just have to eat in moderation and force myself to exercise.
Emotions I had today: As I stated in my preface post, I am going to keep track of my emotions from the day to see what patterns I have. I would rank today at a 7 on a 10 point scale. I was pretty productive today at work. However, I was somewhat tired all day long. I want to blame this on the weather, but I also have to blame myself for not getting the rest I need. I need to take more ownership into why I feel the way I do. I also felt proud of what I accomplished today with tracking my food and working on my weight/fitness plan. I am adding a component of a meal plan to it, which hopefully will help with portions and healthier eating.
Goals for 01/27/09: I will exercise for at least a half hour; I will complete the 7-day meal plan; I will read the rest of Chapter 1 of Psycho-Cybernetics.
Untitled - 01/25/09
Over the weekend, I posted a note on Facebook and a blog on MySpace. Below is what I wrote. It was titled "Untitled - 01/25/09".
Now, I hope everything that I write makes sense, as I may end up getting off topic and go on a rant or rave, but I want to let you know what's been going on with me.
As many of you know, I have been working on losing weight since July. I have actually done well with it. I had lost a total of 51 pounds. However, I am really stuck right now. In fact, I have gained a little bit back over the past 3 months. I know that it has to do with the winter, but I feel like I need a huge motivator to get back into it. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated.
I have started to reconnect with friends that I haven't talked with for about 5-6 years. I am glad that I am finding them and we are able to catch up. There have been many reasons that I have lost these connections. Part of it could be my struggle with religion, part of it could be that I moved away from these friends. However, I am still glad they are a part of my life and that I will be able to reconnect with them face-to-face sometime soon.
For a couple months now, I have felt a sense of loneliness when it comes to siblings. I really am not connected to my two half-brothers, and my brother and I are not on speaking terms. All of my brothers are older than me, but when one is in jail because of life issues he has put himself in (half-brother), one has been getting his life back on track over the past few years (half-brother), and one feels that I do not give him or his wife the respect they deserve (brother...and I want to know how he can think that I should give him respect when I have always learned that you have to give respect to get respect), I have to turn to others that I want to be "family" to me. I have found 2 friends that I have been able to talk with about anything and everything, and have been able to get honest advice from them about life. We have "adopted" each other as brothers, and I could not think of better "brothers" to have. I am tagged in some photos with them that are in my photo album. Eddie and Steve are two friends that I don't know where life would have taken me over the last 6 months, and I am really feel honored to have them as my "big brothers."
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the topic of self-image. I do have to thank my "big brother" Steve for a book he has given me on psycho-cybernetics. I have just started reading this book, but I am starting to realize that you have to change the inside out, instead of trying to change the outside in. I feel that there are many times that I have worn "masks" to disguise my feelings, thoughts, or at times, my true self. I wish it was easy to let go of the masks, however sometimes I notice myself putting them back on when I don't feel like it's a comfortable situation to tell someone how I am really thinking, feeling, or part of my life that they don't know about.
As I mentioned above regarding my brother and respect, I have to reiterate that I feel that you have to give respect to get respect. There are many people in my life that I have the utmost respect for, however I probably don't show them enough how much I am glad they are in my life. So, I want to show my gratitude and thank them...To my family and friends, thank you for being in my life when I have needed you the most. You have given me unconditional love that one yearns for, especially when they are at their lowest points.
Thank you all for taking time to reading my thoughts. For those that feel the need to comment, feel free. I actually look forward to the comments you will leave me. For those that have questions about me and anything I have written, please feel free to ask me, even if you think the question may not be something you want to hear. The best way to communicate is for it to be like a two-way street...if only one person
communicates and the other person doesn't give a response, then how can you learn anything about that person.
Preface (Welcome)
Hello everyone! After some advice from great friends, I have chosen to create a blog. This blog will allow me to vent when I need to; however, it will also give me the ability to learn more about myself. I will use this blog to share my thoughts and emotions, which will enable me to identify patterns within that I may want to modify so that I can enhance my psyche...hence the name of my blog, Psyche of Brian.
Happy reading and feel free to comment!!
~Brian~
Happy reading and feel free to comment!!
~Brian~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
