Good Grief...or is it?

Saying that I was content today would be stretching it. When I saw the sun come out after it being gloomy for the biggest part of the week, I shut the blinds. I enjoyed the quietness and ability to focus on my inner being. I enjoyed not being disturbed today. It gave me time to focus on the past week, and reflect on the upcoming moments ahead.

I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.

Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.

Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.

My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.

Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?

I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!