I have been wanting to put something about a movie that I saw recently online, however I wasn't sure when the right time would be. Tonight, I felt compelled to post about it today. The movie is "Prayers for Bobby." It is based off of the book about Bobby Griffith, who committed suicide because of his struggle with his sexuality. I have place the link to the YouTube clip of it below. PLEASE WATCH IT!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHV9h7Lgvn8
I will explain more later as to the reason for this post, but until then....just be.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Psyche of this Blackbird...
This week has been an interesting one. As you read from my previous post, I felt like I wanted to seclude myself from the world and was enjoying the peacefulness. I will admit, I still like the tranquil environment, however I also had an improved outlook as the week went on. The week has been fairly well for me overall. I've been pretty content with my weight loss, as I have am only a few pounds away from where I was back in October 2008. I do expect to have gained a little weight when I weigh in tomorrow morning, as I got "carb happy" for dessert tonight. If I don't gain any, I will be surprised.
I had a friend contact me and tell me he was very proud that I have been continuing with my weight loss. He said that my name came to mind when he heard the song Blackbird. It was performed by the Beatles, however I prefer the remake by Sarah McLachalan. Below are the lyrics:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I have been reflecting over these lyrics the past day and feel that they do fit with where I am at right now, not only with my weight loss, but with life in general. I always put others first and have the patience of Jobe, however I realize that I need to start doing more for myself, in order for me to take myself to the next level. By getting to the next level, I mean within the physical, social, spiritual, financial, and educational/career aspects.
1. Physical - My weight has held me back. Since I have lost 45 pounds to date, I have realized that this in itself has been an amazing feat. If I was able to accomplish this much, I surely can continue on to lose more and be where I feel I should be. I know that this cannot happen overnight, in a day, week, or even month. It will take focus, perserverence, determination and support to get me there and it will take a number of months, or even a couple years to get to where I feel I will be at a healthy weight.
2. Social - Throughout my twenties, I rarely focused on my social networking. I know I have friends out there, but many times, it seems to be more acquaintances. I am the type of person that likes to have a lot of friends. When I am with my friends however, I prefer to be in smaller groups with them so I can be able to really focus and connect with them. If I have a lot of friends in the same room, I end up bouncing from one set, to another, to another. I feel that I am not being a good friend when this happens because I like to give all my friends the amount of attention that I would expect to receive from them when in their presence. I also have missed out on some great friendships because I did not make the effort for the friendship to work. To the people that I regret not keeping in contact with, I hope that I can be forgiven. I want to rekindle the friendship that we once had.
3. Spiritual - I have struggled with religion over the past year. I still have my faith, still believe that there is a "higher power" and still am spiritual. The roots of my spirituality are based from the catholic faith. Growing up in the Roman Catholic church was what was meant for me in the past. However, I have moments of disillusion and disbelief in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic church. Therefore, this transition from Catholic to catholic has been an experience. Now, for some, you are probably asking what the difference is between the two. Catholic (with the capital C) means the Roman Catholic church, whereas catholic (the lowercase C) focuses on being more ecumenical in my beliefs. I believe that ALL people are welcomed by the "higher power." For some, they believe this "higher power" is called God; for some, Allah. For me, my "higher power" is just that, a "higher power." My "higher power" loves ALL people unconditionally. I believe that everyone is made in the image of the "higher power," and what one may call a flaw in a person is actually a gift the "higher power" has given to that person. I believe this because if the "higher power" made everyone exactly identical, how could we learn from each other and educate ourselves about our differences from the "cookie cutter" mold? I feel that the "higher power" created the first person from the "cookie cutter", however broke the mold before the next person was created. Therefore, we all became individual and unique in our own way for a reason.
4. Financial - I will admit that I am not the best when it comes to money management. However, 2009 is my time to "spread my broken wings" by knocking out some of my debt with my income tax refund. Then, I will focus on dwindling down the remaining debt until I am debt-free with credit cards. While doing this, I will start to re-establish my savings. I may not be able to put as much into savings as I want at first, but it will build over time. With the guidance of a couple friends, I know this can become a reality!!
5. Educational/Career - Things are going great in this area, so far. I have pondered going on for a doctorate, however I have not made the full decision. I know that I need to broaden my thought process about completing some form of terminal degree; my current thought is to pursue an Ed.D in Educational Leadership. I have been told by someone I admire in the field of Academic Advising that I should not limit myself and to keep open to the Ph.D possibility. One thing I do know is that when it is time for me to pursue the next degree, I would prefer not to take out more student loans. My ideal situation would be to work at an institution of higher education where I could take classes toward my next degree for a discounted rate, or even better, for free. This would mean for me to transition out of my current position and into the next level, should it be an Advising Coordinator or Assistant Director of Advising position. This will take a few years, as I need to develop my skills to be prepared to take on such a position, as well as continue to enhance my strengths. Overall, I know that I must become grounded on the four aspects above before I think about this aspect. I also know that I will not let things stop me from achieving my way to complete this aspect either.
Now that I have elaborated on my aspects, think about your own goals. Have you been able to achieve them? If so, what provided you the inspiration to attain these goals? What barriers tried to hinder your ability to go the distance?
Continue to live life to its fullest; dream the impossible dream; challenge yourself to assess your own psyche...and as you do all of this, remember to bask in this moment and just be!
I had a friend contact me and tell me he was very proud that I have been continuing with my weight loss. He said that my name came to mind when he heard the song Blackbird. It was performed by the Beatles, however I prefer the remake by Sarah McLachalan. Below are the lyrics:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I have been reflecting over these lyrics the past day and feel that they do fit with where I am at right now, not only with my weight loss, but with life in general. I always put others first and have the patience of Jobe, however I realize that I need to start doing more for myself, in order for me to take myself to the next level. By getting to the next level, I mean within the physical, social, spiritual, financial, and educational/career aspects.
1. Physical - My weight has held me back. Since I have lost 45 pounds to date, I have realized that this in itself has been an amazing feat. If I was able to accomplish this much, I surely can continue on to lose more and be where I feel I should be. I know that this cannot happen overnight, in a day, week, or even month. It will take focus, perserverence, determination and support to get me there and it will take a number of months, or even a couple years to get to where I feel I will be at a healthy weight.
2. Social - Throughout my twenties, I rarely focused on my social networking. I know I have friends out there, but many times, it seems to be more acquaintances. I am the type of person that likes to have a lot of friends. When I am with my friends however, I prefer to be in smaller groups with them so I can be able to really focus and connect with them. If I have a lot of friends in the same room, I end up bouncing from one set, to another, to another. I feel that I am not being a good friend when this happens because I like to give all my friends the amount of attention that I would expect to receive from them when in their presence. I also have missed out on some great friendships because I did not make the effort for the friendship to work. To the people that I regret not keeping in contact with, I hope that I can be forgiven. I want to rekindle the friendship that we once had.
3. Spiritual - I have struggled with religion over the past year. I still have my faith, still believe that there is a "higher power" and still am spiritual. The roots of my spirituality are based from the catholic faith. Growing up in the Roman Catholic church was what was meant for me in the past. However, I have moments of disillusion and disbelief in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic church. Therefore, this transition from Catholic to catholic has been an experience. Now, for some, you are probably asking what the difference is between the two. Catholic (with the capital C) means the Roman Catholic church, whereas catholic (the lowercase C) focuses on being more ecumenical in my beliefs. I believe that ALL people are welcomed by the "higher power." For some, they believe this "higher power" is called God; for some, Allah. For me, my "higher power" is just that, a "higher power." My "higher power" loves ALL people unconditionally. I believe that everyone is made in the image of the "higher power," and what one may call a flaw in a person is actually a gift the "higher power" has given to that person. I believe this because if the "higher power" made everyone exactly identical, how could we learn from each other and educate ourselves about our differences from the "cookie cutter" mold? I feel that the "higher power" created the first person from the "cookie cutter", however broke the mold before the next person was created. Therefore, we all became individual and unique in our own way for a reason.
4. Financial - I will admit that I am not the best when it comes to money management. However, 2009 is my time to "spread my broken wings" by knocking out some of my debt with my income tax refund. Then, I will focus on dwindling down the remaining debt until I am debt-free with credit cards. While doing this, I will start to re-establish my savings. I may not be able to put as much into savings as I want at first, but it will build over time. With the guidance of a couple friends, I know this can become a reality!!
5. Educational/Career - Things are going great in this area, so far. I have pondered going on for a doctorate, however I have not made the full decision. I know that I need to broaden my thought process about completing some form of terminal degree; my current thought is to pursue an Ed.D in Educational Leadership. I have been told by someone I admire in the field of Academic Advising that I should not limit myself and to keep open to the Ph.D possibility. One thing I do know is that when it is time for me to pursue the next degree, I would prefer not to take out more student loans. My ideal situation would be to work at an institution of higher education where I could take classes toward my next degree for a discounted rate, or even better, for free. This would mean for me to transition out of my current position and into the next level, should it be an Advising Coordinator or Assistant Director of Advising position. This will take a few years, as I need to develop my skills to be prepared to take on such a position, as well as continue to enhance my strengths. Overall, I know that I must become grounded on the four aspects above before I think about this aspect. I also know that I will not let things stop me from achieving my way to complete this aspect either.
Now that I have elaborated on my aspects, think about your own goals. Have you been able to achieve them? If so, what provided you the inspiration to attain these goals? What barriers tried to hinder your ability to go the distance?
Continue to live life to its fullest; dream the impossible dream; challenge yourself to assess your own psyche...and as you do all of this, remember to bask in this moment and just be!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Good Grief...or is it?
Saying that I was content today would be stretching it. When I saw the sun come out after it being gloomy for the biggest part of the week, I shut the blinds. I enjoyed the quietness and ability to focus on my inner being. I enjoyed not being disturbed today. It gave me time to focus on the past week, and reflect on the upcoming moments ahead.
I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.
Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.
Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.
My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.
Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?
I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!
I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.
Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.
Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.
My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.
Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?
I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!
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