I have been wanting to put something about a movie that I saw recently online, however I wasn't sure when the right time would be. Tonight, I felt compelled to post about it today. The movie is "Prayers for Bobby." It is based off of the book about Bobby Griffith, who committed suicide because of his struggle with his sexuality. I have place the link to the YouTube clip of it below. PLEASE WATCH IT!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHV9h7Lgvn8
I will explain more later as to the reason for this post, but until then....just be.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Psyche of this Blackbird...
This week has been an interesting one. As you read from my previous post, I felt like I wanted to seclude myself from the world and was enjoying the peacefulness. I will admit, I still like the tranquil environment, however I also had an improved outlook as the week went on. The week has been fairly well for me overall. I've been pretty content with my weight loss, as I have am only a few pounds away from where I was back in October 2008. I do expect to have gained a little weight when I weigh in tomorrow morning, as I got "carb happy" for dessert tonight. If I don't gain any, I will be surprised.
I had a friend contact me and tell me he was very proud that I have been continuing with my weight loss. He said that my name came to mind when he heard the song Blackbird. It was performed by the Beatles, however I prefer the remake by Sarah McLachalan. Below are the lyrics:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I have been reflecting over these lyrics the past day and feel that they do fit with where I am at right now, not only with my weight loss, but with life in general. I always put others first and have the patience of Jobe, however I realize that I need to start doing more for myself, in order for me to take myself to the next level. By getting to the next level, I mean within the physical, social, spiritual, financial, and educational/career aspects.
1. Physical - My weight has held me back. Since I have lost 45 pounds to date, I have realized that this in itself has been an amazing feat. If I was able to accomplish this much, I surely can continue on to lose more and be where I feel I should be. I know that this cannot happen overnight, in a day, week, or even month. It will take focus, perserverence, determination and support to get me there and it will take a number of months, or even a couple years to get to where I feel I will be at a healthy weight.
2. Social - Throughout my twenties, I rarely focused on my social networking. I know I have friends out there, but many times, it seems to be more acquaintances. I am the type of person that likes to have a lot of friends. When I am with my friends however, I prefer to be in smaller groups with them so I can be able to really focus and connect with them. If I have a lot of friends in the same room, I end up bouncing from one set, to another, to another. I feel that I am not being a good friend when this happens because I like to give all my friends the amount of attention that I would expect to receive from them when in their presence. I also have missed out on some great friendships because I did not make the effort for the friendship to work. To the people that I regret not keeping in contact with, I hope that I can be forgiven. I want to rekindle the friendship that we once had.
3. Spiritual - I have struggled with religion over the past year. I still have my faith, still believe that there is a "higher power" and still am spiritual. The roots of my spirituality are based from the catholic faith. Growing up in the Roman Catholic church was what was meant for me in the past. However, I have moments of disillusion and disbelief in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic church. Therefore, this transition from Catholic to catholic has been an experience. Now, for some, you are probably asking what the difference is between the two. Catholic (with the capital C) means the Roman Catholic church, whereas catholic (the lowercase C) focuses on being more ecumenical in my beliefs. I believe that ALL people are welcomed by the "higher power." For some, they believe this "higher power" is called God; for some, Allah. For me, my "higher power" is just that, a "higher power." My "higher power" loves ALL people unconditionally. I believe that everyone is made in the image of the "higher power," and what one may call a flaw in a person is actually a gift the "higher power" has given to that person. I believe this because if the "higher power" made everyone exactly identical, how could we learn from each other and educate ourselves about our differences from the "cookie cutter" mold? I feel that the "higher power" created the first person from the "cookie cutter", however broke the mold before the next person was created. Therefore, we all became individual and unique in our own way for a reason.
4. Financial - I will admit that I am not the best when it comes to money management. However, 2009 is my time to "spread my broken wings" by knocking out some of my debt with my income tax refund. Then, I will focus on dwindling down the remaining debt until I am debt-free with credit cards. While doing this, I will start to re-establish my savings. I may not be able to put as much into savings as I want at first, but it will build over time. With the guidance of a couple friends, I know this can become a reality!!
5. Educational/Career - Things are going great in this area, so far. I have pondered going on for a doctorate, however I have not made the full decision. I know that I need to broaden my thought process about completing some form of terminal degree; my current thought is to pursue an Ed.D in Educational Leadership. I have been told by someone I admire in the field of Academic Advising that I should not limit myself and to keep open to the Ph.D possibility. One thing I do know is that when it is time for me to pursue the next degree, I would prefer not to take out more student loans. My ideal situation would be to work at an institution of higher education where I could take classes toward my next degree for a discounted rate, or even better, for free. This would mean for me to transition out of my current position and into the next level, should it be an Advising Coordinator or Assistant Director of Advising position. This will take a few years, as I need to develop my skills to be prepared to take on such a position, as well as continue to enhance my strengths. Overall, I know that I must become grounded on the four aspects above before I think about this aspect. I also know that I will not let things stop me from achieving my way to complete this aspect either.
Now that I have elaborated on my aspects, think about your own goals. Have you been able to achieve them? If so, what provided you the inspiration to attain these goals? What barriers tried to hinder your ability to go the distance?
Continue to live life to its fullest; dream the impossible dream; challenge yourself to assess your own psyche...and as you do all of this, remember to bask in this moment and just be!
I had a friend contact me and tell me he was very proud that I have been continuing with my weight loss. He said that my name came to mind when he heard the song Blackbird. It was performed by the Beatles, however I prefer the remake by Sarah McLachalan. Below are the lyrics:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I have been reflecting over these lyrics the past day and feel that they do fit with where I am at right now, not only with my weight loss, but with life in general. I always put others first and have the patience of Jobe, however I realize that I need to start doing more for myself, in order for me to take myself to the next level. By getting to the next level, I mean within the physical, social, spiritual, financial, and educational/career aspects.
1. Physical - My weight has held me back. Since I have lost 45 pounds to date, I have realized that this in itself has been an amazing feat. If I was able to accomplish this much, I surely can continue on to lose more and be where I feel I should be. I know that this cannot happen overnight, in a day, week, or even month. It will take focus, perserverence, determination and support to get me there and it will take a number of months, or even a couple years to get to where I feel I will be at a healthy weight.
2. Social - Throughout my twenties, I rarely focused on my social networking. I know I have friends out there, but many times, it seems to be more acquaintances. I am the type of person that likes to have a lot of friends. When I am with my friends however, I prefer to be in smaller groups with them so I can be able to really focus and connect with them. If I have a lot of friends in the same room, I end up bouncing from one set, to another, to another. I feel that I am not being a good friend when this happens because I like to give all my friends the amount of attention that I would expect to receive from them when in their presence. I also have missed out on some great friendships because I did not make the effort for the friendship to work. To the people that I regret not keeping in contact with, I hope that I can be forgiven. I want to rekindle the friendship that we once had.
3. Spiritual - I have struggled with religion over the past year. I still have my faith, still believe that there is a "higher power" and still am spiritual. The roots of my spirituality are based from the catholic faith. Growing up in the Roman Catholic church was what was meant for me in the past. However, I have moments of disillusion and disbelief in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic church. Therefore, this transition from Catholic to catholic has been an experience. Now, for some, you are probably asking what the difference is between the two. Catholic (with the capital C) means the Roman Catholic church, whereas catholic (the lowercase C) focuses on being more ecumenical in my beliefs. I believe that ALL people are welcomed by the "higher power." For some, they believe this "higher power" is called God; for some, Allah. For me, my "higher power" is just that, a "higher power." My "higher power" loves ALL people unconditionally. I believe that everyone is made in the image of the "higher power," and what one may call a flaw in a person is actually a gift the "higher power" has given to that person. I believe this because if the "higher power" made everyone exactly identical, how could we learn from each other and educate ourselves about our differences from the "cookie cutter" mold? I feel that the "higher power" created the first person from the "cookie cutter", however broke the mold before the next person was created. Therefore, we all became individual and unique in our own way for a reason.
4. Financial - I will admit that I am not the best when it comes to money management. However, 2009 is my time to "spread my broken wings" by knocking out some of my debt with my income tax refund. Then, I will focus on dwindling down the remaining debt until I am debt-free with credit cards. While doing this, I will start to re-establish my savings. I may not be able to put as much into savings as I want at first, but it will build over time. With the guidance of a couple friends, I know this can become a reality!!
5. Educational/Career - Things are going great in this area, so far. I have pondered going on for a doctorate, however I have not made the full decision. I know that I need to broaden my thought process about completing some form of terminal degree; my current thought is to pursue an Ed.D in Educational Leadership. I have been told by someone I admire in the field of Academic Advising that I should not limit myself and to keep open to the Ph.D possibility. One thing I do know is that when it is time for me to pursue the next degree, I would prefer not to take out more student loans. My ideal situation would be to work at an institution of higher education where I could take classes toward my next degree for a discounted rate, or even better, for free. This would mean for me to transition out of my current position and into the next level, should it be an Advising Coordinator or Assistant Director of Advising position. This will take a few years, as I need to develop my skills to be prepared to take on such a position, as well as continue to enhance my strengths. Overall, I know that I must become grounded on the four aspects above before I think about this aspect. I also know that I will not let things stop me from achieving my way to complete this aspect either.
Now that I have elaborated on my aspects, think about your own goals. Have you been able to achieve them? If so, what provided you the inspiration to attain these goals? What barriers tried to hinder your ability to go the distance?
Continue to live life to its fullest; dream the impossible dream; challenge yourself to assess your own psyche...and as you do all of this, remember to bask in this moment and just be!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Good Grief...or is it?
Saying that I was content today would be stretching it. When I saw the sun come out after it being gloomy for the biggest part of the week, I shut the blinds. I enjoyed the quietness and ability to focus on my inner being. I enjoyed not being disturbed today. It gave me time to focus on the past week, and reflect on the upcoming moments ahead.
I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.
Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.
Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.
My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.
Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?
I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!
I was asked a good question by a friend the other night. I was mentioning to him how the weekend of the Super Bowl is not a great time of year for me because that same weekend 12 years, my parents told me they were getting divorced. He asked me if their divorce is still affecting me. My answer to this was yes, and here's why. Just as a parent has expectations for their child, a child has expectations for their parents. Growing up, I had always thought my parents would stay together, even through all of the arguing they did. There were times when I was younger that I told my mom that she should divorce my dad. However, when it did happen, I didn't want to believe it. I am now able to understand that their divorce has been a period of grief for me. I went through denial for the first few months, mainly because both my parents still lived in the same house for 3 months after the divorce was filed. I then went through anger moments, such as when one parent would say something to me about the other parent. I definitely have had times when I have been depressed because of not seeing them together, especially when shining moments have happened in my life and I have to tell them separately. I also have had a level of acceptance. However, even with this level of acceptance, there is also a level of disappointment. I am not disappointed with my parents, I am more disappointed in the situation itself. I know I have put some of the blame on myself about their divorce, and I think that is why I have kept it with me for so long. I know it is something I must work through.
Ironically, this got me to thinking about the expectations of what a parent has "planned" for their child. I know my parents had expectations for me, however this all changed when I came out to my mom in June 2000. I have also seen her go through the stages of grief. I don't feel she is at full acceptance, however I have seen her grow over the past 8+ years. I know she went through denial, and may still be there at times. It was hard for me to hear her tell me that it was the one thing she can't accept. I know this was not her truly speaking to me; it was the grief speaking through.
Everyone handles the grieving process in their own ways. Some people go toward dependence on something or someone. I know that part of my grieving has me dependent toward food. Hence, why I have weight issues. It has taken me this long to realize that the two go hand-in-hand. I have been working my dependence on food. This has to be the worst dependence to have, because you need to have food to stay alive. I have tried to figure out what my "trigger" foods are so that I do not overeat or binge on them. Also, knowing that there are other things to turn to when you are grieving makes one realize that the willpower is there to not give in...maybe that's why comfort food is really "comfort" food.
My goal for the next week is to process through my grief, formulate a list of "trigger foods" that I depend on for my "comfort", and to take on a new outlook toward each day.
Take time to reflect upon how you grieve. Do you notice any patterns, or realize what the stages were like? Where do you find your "comfort" and would you consider this comfort more of a dependence?
I hope to most more this week, so look for another toward the end of the week. Until then, live in the moment and just be!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Day One is happening again!
I really want to thank those who posted to my note on Facebook. It baffles me how people will comment on Facebook, however I have not had a single person comment to me on MySpace. Just an interesting observation I had.
Well, today was day one of getting back on track with my weight loss. I did not get to the point of exercising today, however I did accomplish 2 things: I logged all of the food I ate today into SparkPeople, and I also modified a weight/fitness plan that my brother Steve sent me. I felt there were parts that he used that would be beneficial for me to track, however I also felt I needed to make it my own. When I logged into SparkPeople, I realized that the last time I tracked my weight was 10/15/08. Since that date, I have gained 15 pounds. I was so close to meeting my second goal at that time, which was losing a second 10% of my body weight. I know that I can do it, but I just have to eat in moderation and force myself to exercise.
Emotions I had today: As I stated in my preface post, I am going to keep track of my emotions from the day to see what patterns I have. I would rank today at a 7 on a 10 point scale. I was pretty productive today at work. However, I was somewhat tired all day long. I want to blame this on the weather, but I also have to blame myself for not getting the rest I need. I need to take more ownership into why I feel the way I do. I also felt proud of what I accomplished today with tracking my food and working on my weight/fitness plan. I am adding a component of a meal plan to it, which hopefully will help with portions and healthier eating.
Goals for 01/27/09: I will exercise for at least a half hour; I will complete the 7-day meal plan; I will read the rest of Chapter 1 of Psycho-Cybernetics.
Well, today was day one of getting back on track with my weight loss. I did not get to the point of exercising today, however I did accomplish 2 things: I logged all of the food I ate today into SparkPeople, and I also modified a weight/fitness plan that my brother Steve sent me. I felt there were parts that he used that would be beneficial for me to track, however I also felt I needed to make it my own. When I logged into SparkPeople, I realized that the last time I tracked my weight was 10/15/08. Since that date, I have gained 15 pounds. I was so close to meeting my second goal at that time, which was losing a second 10% of my body weight. I know that I can do it, but I just have to eat in moderation and force myself to exercise.
Emotions I had today: As I stated in my preface post, I am going to keep track of my emotions from the day to see what patterns I have. I would rank today at a 7 on a 10 point scale. I was pretty productive today at work. However, I was somewhat tired all day long. I want to blame this on the weather, but I also have to blame myself for not getting the rest I need. I need to take more ownership into why I feel the way I do. I also felt proud of what I accomplished today with tracking my food and working on my weight/fitness plan. I am adding a component of a meal plan to it, which hopefully will help with portions and healthier eating.
Goals for 01/27/09: I will exercise for at least a half hour; I will complete the 7-day meal plan; I will read the rest of Chapter 1 of Psycho-Cybernetics.
Untitled - 01/25/09
Over the weekend, I posted a note on Facebook and a blog on MySpace. Below is what I wrote. It was titled "Untitled - 01/25/09".
Now, I hope everything that I write makes sense, as I may end up getting off topic and go on a rant or rave, but I want to let you know what's been going on with me.
As many of you know, I have been working on losing weight since July. I have actually done well with it. I had lost a total of 51 pounds. However, I am really stuck right now. In fact, I have gained a little bit back over the past 3 months. I know that it has to do with the winter, but I feel like I need a huge motivator to get back into it. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated.
I have started to reconnect with friends that I haven't talked with for about 5-6 years. I am glad that I am finding them and we are able to catch up. There have been many reasons that I have lost these connections. Part of it could be my struggle with religion, part of it could be that I moved away from these friends. However, I am still glad they are a part of my life and that I will be able to reconnect with them face-to-face sometime soon.
For a couple months now, I have felt a sense of loneliness when it comes to siblings. I really am not connected to my two half-brothers, and my brother and I are not on speaking terms. All of my brothers are older than me, but when one is in jail because of life issues he has put himself in (half-brother), one has been getting his life back on track over the past few years (half-brother), and one feels that I do not give him or his wife the respect they deserve (brother...and I want to know how he can think that I should give him respect when I have always learned that you have to give respect to get respect), I have to turn to others that I want to be "family" to me. I have found 2 friends that I have been able to talk with about anything and everything, and have been able to get honest advice from them about life. We have "adopted" each other as brothers, and I could not think of better "brothers" to have. I am tagged in some photos with them that are in my photo album. Eddie and Steve are two friends that I don't know where life would have taken me over the last 6 months, and I am really feel honored to have them as my "big brothers."
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the topic of self-image. I do have to thank my "big brother" Steve for a book he has given me on psycho-cybernetics. I have just started reading this book, but I am starting to realize that you have to change the inside out, instead of trying to change the outside in. I feel that there are many times that I have worn "masks" to disguise my feelings, thoughts, or at times, my true self. I wish it was easy to let go of the masks, however sometimes I notice myself putting them back on when I don't feel like it's a comfortable situation to tell someone how I am really thinking, feeling, or part of my life that they don't know about.
As I mentioned above regarding my brother and respect, I have to reiterate that I feel that you have to give respect to get respect. There are many people in my life that I have the utmost respect for, however I probably don't show them enough how much I am glad they are in my life. So, I want to show my gratitude and thank them...To my family and friends, thank you for being in my life when I have needed you the most. You have given me unconditional love that one yearns for, especially when they are at their lowest points.
Thank you all for taking time to reading my thoughts. For those that feel the need to comment, feel free. I actually look forward to the comments you will leave me. For those that have questions about me and anything I have written, please feel free to ask me, even if you think the question may not be something you want to hear. The best way to communicate is for it to be like a two-way street...if only one person
communicates and the other person doesn't give a response, then how can you learn anything about that person.
Preface (Welcome)
Hello everyone! After some advice from great friends, I have chosen to create a blog. This blog will allow me to vent when I need to; however, it will also give me the ability to learn more about myself. I will use this blog to share my thoughts and emotions, which will enable me to identify patterns within that I may want to modify so that I can enhance my psyche...hence the name of my blog, Psyche of Brian.
Happy reading and feel free to comment!!
~Brian~
Happy reading and feel free to comment!!
~Brian~
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